Dear Abby: My daughter blames me for HER infidelity

DEAR ABBY: When my daughter, “Trish,” and her husband separated, I reached out to each of them for occasional check-ins. Trish left him after confessing to infidelity via email. He messaged me with a copy of what she’d written, which included some damning things about me — that she was “like” me and that I am “not a good person.” She never forgave me for crossing the line with a longtime friend decades ago. My husband owned his part in the situation, and we’ve moved past it. Apparently, she has not. 

Although Trish and her husband reconciled briefly, she’s moved out again and plans to divorce him. I’ve offered to go to counseling with her if that would help, but I don’t know if she knows I know what she said about me. My son-in-law apologized when he realized what that revelation must’ve felt like. He shouldn’t have shared her email without permission, but it can’t be undone now. 

My daughter is cordial but guarded when we occasionally speak. She lives far away. Should I tell her I know what she said about me, and hope she sees it as an opportunity to get to the bottom of issues between us? Do I continue to reach out in love and compassion, not knowing if she’s still holding this grudge, showing her that I love and forgive her, regardless of our mistakes in the past? — IMPERFECT MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR MOM: Amid the turmoil in her marriage, your daughter attempted to blame her infidelity on the example you set for her during her impressionable years. Her husband may have shared what she had written in an attempt to damage her relationship with you, which would be not only unkind, but also manipulative. I don’t know what other issues you have with your daughter, but I see nothing to be gained at this point by telling her you know what she said. Bide your time.

DEAR ABBY: My 15-year-old grandson races BMX bicycles. Last year, he had a traumatic brain injury and had to be medevaced to a pediatric hospital. Once he recovered, he went right back to racing. Last week, he crashed and damaged both of his kidneys. He’s in intensive care as I write this. We don’t know how long he’ll be there or if he will need dialysis afterward. 

His parents plan to drive him right back to the BMX track the minute he recovers! I think they are extremely irresponsible. I’ve read that 15-year-olds aren’t able to assess risk properly. What can I do to stop this? — CONCERNED GRANDMA IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CONCERNED: There is an adage that suggests if someone falls off a horse, they should get right back on. However, when it comes to life-threatening accidents, common sense tells me the circumstances should not be repeated. That your grandson is now contemplating returning to racing is shocking. That his parents would encourage it seems irresponsible. That said, there is nothing you can do to prevent the boy from risking his life, so start praying.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.