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Black Friday is this week — what better way to follow our national day of gluttony than with wanton spending?
The dark architects of the American Dream insist we get fat and then buy like we are rich, and Black Friday allows us to find release in retail.
And it would seem we feel the need to throw down dollars now more than ever.
For those braving the crowds for the promise of a deal, be careful out there.
As The Post reported, “Between 2006 and 2018, 44 Black Friday incidents in America left 11 dead and 109 injured — including one man who brought home a shattered hip after being shoved into a shelf of cut-rate presents.”
Yikes. Cutthroat for the cut rate.
History of Black Friday
The history of Black Friday is, unsurprisingly, kinda grim. In the 1950s, Philadelphia police coined the term to describe the post-Thanksgiving mayhem that befell the city as tourists and suburban shoppers looked for deals amid the annual Army-Navy football game.
Officers were assigned to work excessively long shifts to combat the onslaught of traffic and support the need for crowd control. The retail hysteria emboldened shoplifters to make off with unsupervised loot, adding to the chaos.
In the 1980s, retailers rebranded Black Friday to promote discount shopping, capitalizing on the moment stores went from “red to black” in terms of profit and loss.
To help you find the deal in line with your sign, here’s a curated list of how the zodiac will spend — and spend on — Black Friday.
As the sign of power and pillaging, ram folk get high on heavy discounts and impulse purchases. This ilk loves to buy and return, relishing the dark thrill of arguing with a sales attendant about their lack of receipt.
You see, Aries doesn’t want to consume so much as they want to WIN. This is the sort of psycho that will elbow you out of the way to get the iPad, power drill, or flame decals their petulant hearts demand.
The best/worst thing that ever happened to Taurus is online shopping, armed with no pants and a credit card, hallowed be thy hoarding.
Big on comfort and the heady dose of a discount, Taurus is shopping for sex toys, bulk snacks, yoga mats, ceramic Tupperware, Edison light bulbs, and linen bed sheets.
Non-committal and fidgety, Gemini loves to window-shop, stroll the sales, inhale the smell of soft pretzels browning in the food court, and observe the social experiment offered by the shopping experience.
On Black Friday, the people of the twin are stocking up on stationery, costume jewelry, magazine subscriptions, and those weird coffee substitutes that promise a gentle high and taste like mushroom farts.
As the sign of the home front and the homemade, whose safe word is codependence, Cancer wants to buy things they can make a nest of.
Think faux fur throw pillows, a vintage teapot, velvet restraints, a weighted blanket, a pie pan, string lights, an Instant Pot, and a surround-sound system belting the immersive echo of crashing waves and mating orcas.
Leo attempts to direct their hoarded resources towards buying gifts for others but instead comes home with a pair of hot pink workout chaps, high-end hair products, a Groupon for a nude photoshoot, and an item made of leather, suede, or sequins that will serve as an impetus for a theme party they host.
Virgo feels superior for not indulging/engaging in the capitalist frenzy of Black Friday, openly criticizing the quality of mass-produced goods and the people who purchase them.
On Small Business Saturday, they will carefully and ethically select heirloom seeds and experimental supplements for themselves and self-help books for everyone on their shopping list.
Libra buys things that aren’t on sale because they are unrepentantly bougie (they count Gwyneth Paltrow among their ranks) and think of debt as evidence of excellent taste.
They know quality when they see it — and a mark when they meet one. On Black Friday, they’re spending on silk pajama sets, La Mer products, p**sy candles, and a Frame Smart TV to display the art they can’t afford but want to impress others with their knowledge of.
Scorpio shops like they plot and die — alone.
More into online than in person, this ilk is stalking the proverbial aisles for lingerie, surveillance equipment, chandeliers, tourmaline for their friends, spiked collars for their familiars, and invariably something asymmetrical, black and/or heavy on the shoulder pads for themselves.
Barring Sagittarius hasn’t blown their meager savings on buying a round for a bar of strangers or betting on the Detroit Lions (resident optimists), come Black Friday, they’re throwing down on cheap plane tickets, wilderness retreats, bad tattoos, bean bags, and hula hoops.
If Thursday went sideways, they’re signing up for free online therapy, hitting their friends up for Adderall, and adopting a pet, they will eventually paw(n) off on their parents.
As the sign of striking it rich and making it last, Capricorn does not spend flagrantly but does go hard for luxury. They’re dropping dollars on rare vinyl, something monogrammed, bronze statues ,and an ancestry/DNA testing kit.
On Black Friday, you’ll find Aquarius holed up in recovery after having to break bread with the normies/Muggles in their family, smugly content in the knowledge that Black Friday is for suckers and Cyber Monday, with its slashed prices and remote viability, is where the future of savings lives.
Overwhelmed by the crush of crowds and the heady smell of pine and purchasing power, Pisces gets lost in the mall and is later found dead-eyed, clutching a to-go Mai Tai from TGI Friday’s, and a bag full of taffy, fuzzy slippers, bath products, and macrame dreamcatchers.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the star
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. To book a reading, visit her website.
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