National Beer Day: Here’s which beer embodies your zodiac sign

Taurus playwright William Shakespeare once argued, “A quart of ale is a dish for a king.”

Today, we feast.

Steins high, kegs tapped, bottles open, and refreshments at the ready, we raise a toast every year on April 7th to “National Beer Day.”

For as long as we humans have faced reality we have been fermenting ways to soften its sharper edges. Indeed, the fossil record of booze dates to a Neolithic grog brewed 9,000 years ago in China’s Yellow River Valley, while the oldest barley-based beer was imbibed around 3400 B.C. in the Zagros Mountains of present-day Iran.

Beer, its frothed glory, has been linked to all manner of muck and miracles; it can cause weight gain and dicey romantic decisions but also may have untold health benefits and, according to some doctors, can help folks survive a heat wave.

Alleged murderer, total Taurus, and absolutely iconic bassist Sid Vicious once admitted, “I’ve only been in love with a beer bottle and a mirror.”

In a similar celebration of self-love and emptied vessels, we’ve compiled a list of the zodiac signs as beers.

With the stars above and the foam below, we offer hearty cheers.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

Modelo

Ever the avenger of the underdog, Aries has no fear of a fight. The sign exhibits a real superhero swagger, and the Modelo brand exalts in that jock/hero energy.

Through their “Fighting Spirit” campaign, Modelo helps to revitalize gyms and is committed to providing funding and aid to under-serviced military veterans and other communities “to ensure that finances are never a stumbling block to achieving dreams.”

Fighting the good fight and doing the right thing are all very on-brand for these warmhearted warriors.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

Miller High Life

The most indulgent sign in the zodiac, Taurus rules the second house of values and valuables. Bulls love a good time and a fine bargain in equal measure, making moderately priced, High life promising Miller their spiritual spirit.

The ethos of founder Frederick Miller, “that the best things in life should be available to all,” resonates with the Taurus spirit, which views pleasure as birthright and decadence as a democratic principle.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)

Budweiser

Gemini is ruled by the rapid-fire, trash-talking, yarn-spinning, sonnet-singing planet Mercury, which governs communication and the problematic art of advertising.

In turn, no beer brand has made better use of marketing than ladies and gentlemen, Budweiser. Be it Clydesdale horses, hammy hounds, or bellowing frogs, the message is clear and incessant.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

Blue Moon

If Cancer were a sport, it would be baseball; it’s nostalgic AF, no one gets hurt, and everyone is trying to make it home safe. In-kind, Blue Moon was born from America’s pastime and developed at the Sandlot Brewery at Coors Field.

Cancer is ruled by the moon, and the beer takes its name from a rare lunar occurrence. Made in the style of Belgian witbiers, Blue Moon, like the average Cancer, is bittersweet and difficult to see through.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

Corona

Corona is Spanish for crown, and Leo is the sign of royalty, making this a natural pairing.

Corona trades on images of rich relaxation, Christmas-lit palm trees, and sandy beaches even as it’s downed in empty parking lots and frigid strip malls.

Similarly, Leos maintain a carefully crafted visage of superiority and luxury no matter the weather they walk through. The beer, like the sign, also favors fashion over function; the clear bottles Corona is packaged in increase the possibility of spoilage/skunking through exposure to sunlight and fluorescent bulbs.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

Michelob Ultra

Dubbed the “Gatorade of beer,” Michelob Ultra is the drink of choice for health-conscious hedonists, and no one understands that balance like the gut-ruled, terminally discerning sign of Virgo.

Keto-friendly and athlete-endorsed, Michelob Ultra provides an alcohol wind down without compromising the body or tomorrow’s workout. It is, like the sign itself, moderately fun and fun in moderation.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

Pabst Blue Ribbon

Renowned as much for its taste as its popularity amongst insufferable tastemakers, Pabst Blue Ribbon is enjoyed by factory workers, baristas, artisan spoon makers, and social media influencers alike.

Libra is the sign of scales and balances, and indeed, PBR is the great democratizer of beers. The can is something of an aesthetic beacon and Libra bows before such power. Ruled by Venus, planet of love, beauty, and artwork, Libras will appreciate that PBR encourages and even endorses fan art, offering an annual contest wherein the winning submissions are reproduced on limited edition cans.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

Guinness

Dark, medicinal, and, when used in combination with eggs, able to bring people back from the brink of death, Guinness has much in common with Scorpio, a threshold sign that rules the eighth house of sex, death, and regeneration.

For a time, both fresh and aged brew was blended to give Guinness its characteristic tang. Still, in true mystery-worshipping, clarity-averse Scorpio fashion, the company refuses to reveal any trade secrets of how the famed brew is born.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

Sapporo

“Fueled by an adventurous spirit, Seibei Nakagawa left Japan at the age of 17 at a time when doing so was strictly forbidden,” begins the origin story of Sapporo beer which is Sagittarius energy distilled.

“His travels eventually led him to Germany where he learned the craft of brewing, a craft he would apply back home in 1876 as Sapporo’s first brewmaster.”

A prodigal, beer-loving son leaves home for forbidden destinations, seeks knowledge and a good time, and returns wiser and filled with the desire to share what he has learned for the benefit of his countrymen, all in line with the high ideals and big-time gambles of this mutable fire sign.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

Yuengling

Founded in 1829 by a German immigrant in a coal mining town in the heart of Pennsylvania, Yuengling is America’s oldest beer and, like the industrious Capricorn, is ever enterprising.

Not even prohibition could sink the spirits of this fam; nay, when booze was blacklisted, they pivoted to selling “near beers,” a low ABV option that helped the business survive.

The company’s benchmark is hard work, and its promotional video is essentially a half-hour ode to blue-collar toil and family legacies, two qualities close to the mechanical chambers that echo in the capitalist heart of a Capricorn.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

Stella Artois

In the major arcana of the tarot, Aquarius is represented by the Star card, where a naked lady pours one out for her proverbial homies. In-kind, Stella Artois, from the Latin word for star, was originally created as a holiday offering to the people of Leuven, Belgium, where it is brewed.

Aquarius has two planetary rulers and, as such, straddles the line between the status quo and the utterly outrageous. Stella Artois suffers from a similar division of identity.

According to Vinepair.com, “Depending on whom you ask, Stella is either classy, trashy or downright ordinary.”

Either way, the beer, like the sign, keeps the conversation and controversy flowing.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

Heineken

Proud practitioners of the pleasure principle, Pisces can get on board with the guiding philosophy of Alfred Henry Heineken who espoused, “I don’t sell beer, I sell enjoyment.”

Pisces is the last sign in the zodiac, and fish folk tend to be community-minded and vested in leaving the planet and its people better than they found it. Fittingly, Heineken is green in both bottle and politics, dedicated as they are to sustainability and environmental protection.

Astrology 101: Your guide to the stars

Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture, and personal experience. To book a reading, visit her website.