T’was a Tuesday night before Christmas, and high atop the glittering Shops at Columbus Circle, a ripped, shirtless Santa straddles a middle-aged woman, grinding to a thumping beat as a half-horrified, half-thrilled crowd of onlookers erupts in screams, whistles and laughter.
Sequins flash, cocktails spill, and phones whip out to capture the moment, as the object of this not-so-old St. Nick’s momentary affections shrieks and flails in mock protest, ultimately finding herself powerless.
Santa, joined by a bevy of cackling drag queens and dancers shaking feathered skirts, flexes his pecs and winks at his audience. The room pulses with sexy, happy energy.
The weather outside may be frightful, but the atmosphere at “Santa’s Secret” — one of NYC’s hottest holiday shows this year, is steamier than the tropics in August, and to many fans, utterly delightful.
Despite the howling December winds practically begging New Yorkers to stay home and cuddle, the night’s show was completely sold out, organizers said.
Now in its fifth year, the ringmaster of this carnival of festive oddities is opera singer Shequida (real name Gary Hall, who wrote, directs and stars) — a Swarovski-dripping drag diva who plays the Ice Queen, Santa’s “disgruntled first wife,” freshly freed and ready to spill decades’ worth of tea.
“The world wasn’t ready for a Black drag queen Mrs. Claus,” Shequida declares loudly, before announcing her mission: vengeance, justice — and satisfying her sexual urges.
“They annulled our marriage and locked me away for thousands of years — but tonight I broke free and I’m getting horny, baby!”
Leaving nothing to chance, the Ice Queen proceeds to simulate fellatio with a microphone, announces that “all sluts” are now allowed in the North Pole — and impressively flirts with everyone in the vicinity.
Guests pay $75 and up for an audience with Shequida and crew, first wandering upon arrival through eight immersive installations — complete with naughty gingerbread ladies, rugged lumberjacks and twinkling snow globes — before landing inside Santa’s secret showroom.
Here, Christmas cocktails like the Mistlehoe Glow flow (Tanqueray gin, St-Germain, tonic, cranberries, rosemary), caviar is served upon request at $125 an ounce, and a live band remixes holiday classics into jazzy, rock-and-roll mashups — the whole thing playing out like a festive fever dream, crossed with a speakeasy.
The spectacle features a tight cast of about 10 performers — a high-energy mix of dancers, singers and acrobats — with each character bursting to life through its own over-the-top number.
There’s a barely dressed lumberjack, the Black Swan, the “real” Barbie, the Nutcracker, the (now more devilish) Christmas Angel and the Gingerbread Lady — all familiar faces, just turned way up and decidedly more R-rated than you remember.
Once the drinks hit the lamp-lit tables, the hour-long show begins, blurring fantasy and reality with cheeky rewrites of beloved Christmas lore — along with playful audience interaction and jaw-dropping performances that earn nightly standing ovations.
As the night unfolds, the crowd learns the “real x-rated story” of the Nutcracker, and that the “real Barbie had curves” — proved by a voluptuous burlesque dancer — and that Santa’s infamous Black Swan scandal involved a bombshell who ditched him for a ripped lumberjack, sending St. Nick into a jealous spiral that allegedly led to a North Pole sex ban.
And as the Ice Queen finally breaks free, she unleashes the North Pole’s best-kept secrets, setting everyone else loose along with her.
“I think the holiday season is so sexy,” Shequida told The Post afterward — saying that she “wrote the show to be a really fun, cheeky and adult way of looking at Christmas.”
It’s campy, chaotic, occasionally cringe — and the audience appeared to love it all.
“I came in totally blind with my friends and had no idea what to expect, but I loved the idea of it being a sexy show,” Julia Azcona of Ridgewood, Queens, told The Post.
“I was surprised by the amazing dancing and singing — and at how beautiful the costumes were. I’m very satisfied,” she said with a giggle.
Her favorite moment? The “naughty Christmas angel,” a performer who floated onstage in full holy regalia — wings, ballgown and all — before stripping it away to reveal strategically placed jingle bells and inviting audience members to ring them.
Brooklynite Manny Romano came to “Santa’s Secret” for date night with his wife, Yesenia Batista, after learning about the show through a friend who worked on the production.
Romano told The Post that he loved the “really cool idea” of “revealing each North Pole secret with its own performance and music,” saying it “brought you back to your childhood, but in an adult way.”
“I also loved the interactive walkthrough on the way to my seat itself,” Romano added, noting that being welcomed by drag queen hostess Prima and other festively dressed staff made the night feel immersive from the start. “It was like there was show even before the main show.”
Batista agreed — and said the experience stood out in a city overflowing with holiday spectacles.
“With Christmas shows, sometimes they can be tacky or really cringey and really overdo it all,” she said, “but I thought this was so well-done, unique and apart from the show itself, the drinks and food were so great.”
Santa’s Secret will run Dec. 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30 and 31, with two shows nightly at 6 p.m. and 9 p.m.
Tickets start at $75 for general seating, while $110 VIP reserved seats put guests closer to the stage — and well within the performers’ naughty little orbit.
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