DEAR ABBY: I’m the youngest of a family of three boys and two girls. The only person I had any connection with growing up was my sister “Sara.” We were both treated the same way by our mother. We were not wanted. And I always knew Sara was sad about something else.
Our mother’s discipline took the form of when something happened, she’d line us all up and tell us if the person who did it didn’t admit it, she was going to whip us all. Sara usually got upset, and I couldn’t take it, so I’d end up taking the beating. So while Mom screamed about why I did something, I honestly didn’t know what had been done, and she beat me until she wore herself out.
Now that I’m an adult, I realize that the one who did the deed probably realized all he had to do was keep quiet until I took the blame, and the others probably still thought I was the guilty party. I know he will never admit to anything. Sara’s sadness was because she was being raped by that brother, and Mom never believed her.
I am dirt to the rest of the family. The others don’t want anything to do with me. Must I just accept this, or can I change this? — FAMILY DISASTER IN INDIANA
DEAR FAMILY DISASTER: You and your siblings grew up in the very definition of a toxic environment. Your mother’s abuse damaged everyone. While you cannot change your siblings’ opinion of you, Sara can by speaking up about what really was going on in that house when you were all growing up. From reading your letter, it seems like a nightmare.
All of you could benefit from counseling for victims of abuse. If you are willing to get it, you definitely should. I would also encourage you to visit RAINN at rainn.org for additional support.
DEAR ABBY: After my mother’s death 10 years ago, my father moved in with me. He’s 74 and in reasonably good health but has always struggled with depression and social anxiety. He refuses to take medication. Although there are many opportunities for him to have social contact, he’s very critical of most family and friends.
Dad does have some positives. He exercises and helps me with cooking and my kids. Nevertheless, his depression creates such tension in the household that most of the time I avoid talking to him because I don’t want to hear the negativity he is sure to spew. When I do talk to him, it is likely to turn into an argument, or he will insult me.
I am so exhausted. I know he can’t live on his own, but I don’t know what to do. He has been seen by doctors and mental health professionals, but he is not willing to engage. Please advise. — GETTING TIRED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR GETTING TIRED: The next time you talk to your father and he argues or insults you, tell him you have had enough. Tell him that you can no longer handle the tension his dependency and depression create in your home and that he must either get the help he needs or find another place to live. Then set a date for him to comply or move.
If there is a senior center near where you live, you may be able to get assistance in dealing with your resistant dad. Your local Area Agency on Aging might also be able to offer guidance.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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