DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are friendly with another couple, “Matt” and “Mara.” They have two young children, one of whom is autistic. We have five children, so we understand the daily challenges of parenting.
My husband and Matt have been friends since preschool. I met Mara soon after she and Matt started dating. We weren’t that close until after we both had children. When it comes time for birthday and Christmas gifts, Mara and I always ask each other what our kids would like for a gift. Besides the usual toys, books, etc., Mara always asks for expensive sensory items for her autistic son.
I adore her son, but I roll my eyes every time she sends me a link for a $90 memory foam chair. My husband doesn’t see a problem. We just buy more things for their other child so they are treated equally.
My problem is that within a few months, I see Mara has listed my gift for sale online. It hasn’t happened just once, but multiple times — pajamas with the tags still on, a $50 plastic climbing dome and an expensive race car track that Mara specifically asked me for.
When I brought it up to my husband, he was a little peeved at first. After it happened again, he brushed it off, saying that maybe Mara had asked multiple people for the same gift and ended up with two of the same thing.
I could understand if she had used the gifts for a while and then her kids weren’t interested anymore, but the fact that her ad says these items were brand-new and never used seems like a slap in the face. Do I have a right to be upset? Should I just stick to gift cards from now on? — GENEROUS FRIEND IN THE EAST
DEAR FRIEND: Could Mara be doing this because she needs the money? Of course you have a right to be upset about the wasted effort that went into purchasing these gifts. You might feel less peeved if you were to give her gift cards to spend on her children, but there’s no guarantee that’s how they’d be used.
DEAR ABBY: At a recent wake service, I hugged the wife of the deceased and told her how sorry I was for her loss. She thanked me for coming, and I responded, “I wouldn’t have missed this.” Later, I wondered if that sounded flip, like putting my attendance on the same plane as not missing a concert or sports event. What might have been a better response to her thanking me? Or was that acceptable? — WANTING TO BE RESPECTFUL
DEAR RESPECTFUL: Wakes, visitations and funerals are emotional events. We’re all prone to minor gaffes and other social awkwardness under such circumstances. I’m sure the widow understands you meant no disrespect. In the future, you might phrase that sentiment more like this: “It was important to me to be here for you.” You can also never go wrong by paying a simple, heartfelt compliment to the deceased.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips penned this column, which was founded in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
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